So, I completed 3 months of chemo in January, post which I moved to hormonal therapy. 2 months down and 1 scan later, the cancer is back. Everywhere! And some new places too!
When the doctor gave us the news, I could here ringing in my ears. What the hell had just happened! My husband and I couldn’t think straight for a day. We were to immediately begin chemo. This time hit it harder.
I felt like this POW – where the enemy is trying to hit you with everything they have got – machine gun, shotgun, missiles… everything! Honestly when a disease doesn’t have a cure, I could see the doctors struggling too!
You know what upset me the most? That I had made all these plans – I had plans to do my NLP certification, get a nose ring, had gotten myself a coach for my wellness.. the works basically. And now, all this had to just be pushed to – I don’t know when.
And we all have plans right? We are taught to have goals, always be future focused, result oriented. So, I did. I had all these amazing things I wanted to do. Was looking forward to them honestly!
Added to that is our undying need for control. Control over our present and future. And when we don’t, it sends us in a tizzy! I am the sort of person who plans every hour of a vacation… that’s the kind of control I like.. so, this seemed unimaginable. Not being in control of this disease. Not knowing when I am going to get better.
Lord Krishna in the Bhagvad Gita says:
“You neither lose any thing or gain, in this drama called life. So, stop regretting over the past and forecasting of your future, since you don’t have control over the future too. What you have in your hands is the present, so live according to Dharma and fulfil all your duties with Vairagya”
Deep huh! Yea well, tragedies do sometimes take you on the path of spirituality. But I guess it’s true right? I mean we only have the present that we have any sort of control on. And seeing the unpredictability of my treatment plan, flexibility is the need of the hour.
Another quote : ‘Life is a journey, not a destination.’
it’s honestly made me think, so forgive the rambling. Okay, for a bit, forget my situation. Even if we are working towards some major life goal, we do sometimes forget that the journey to it can also be fun. We are just so focused on that tiny dot, that we don’t see all the colours around us.
Further, we only have the NOW and the HERE, right? But we strongly believe that ONLY when we reach THERE or achieve ‘abc’ will we be happy. Once you do achieve ‘abc’ then what? You stop being happy? No. You look for the next goal and the next, but in all this running, our mind is not HERE, in the moment. We are always on this treadmill. While actually the path we are on, is what matters most.
Whew, that was a lot of writing in a short span. Okay, so to end this, sometimes, just sometimes, you have to trust the journey. That wherever you are right now and whatever is happening is meant to happen. So, if your journey is a good one, I would suggest you start enjoying it.
And as for me? Of course, I continue the fight but maybe it’s time I made some open plans. Yes, I will do my NLP course, and get my nose ring and everything… someday. Till then, I take a deep breath, and take this cancer head-on!
I trust my journey! Do you trust yours?